Questions About Starting Therapy
- What is Relational Life Therapy?
- Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is a model developed by therapist Terry Real that names the everyday patterns (such as control, withdrawal, defensiveness, or losing yourself in the other person) that can quietly wear relationships down over time. Rather than treating conflict as a personality flaw, RLT helps couples and individuals notice, understand, and change the pattern, moving from disconnection toward more honest, mutual connection. I draw on RLT training as part of a broader approach that also includes Internal Family Systems (IFS) and somatic work. Read more from the Relational Life Institute →
- Does Relational Life Therapy really take sides?
- Not between you. What it takes a side on is what is actually happening in the room. The systemic lens is what decides this. If one of you holds more power in the pattern, through contempt, through withdrawal, or through always being the one who decides, then treating you both identically does not make the room neutral. It leaves the imbalance exactly where it was. Balance has to be actively held between two people in a relationship. Where more of the harm is landing, that is where accountability needs to begin. From there, both partners can find a more empowered way of relating.
- Can I start couples work on my own if my partner is not ready?
- Yes, and this is one of the most common ways people begin with me. When one person changes how they hold their side of a pattern, the pattern itself has to move, because a relationship is a system rather than two people taking turns. We work on what you are carrying, what you have been tolerating, and what you actually want to ask for. Sometimes a partner who was not willing at the start becomes curious once something has genuinely shifted at home, and there is room to bring them in later. Sometimes they do not, and the work still gives you clearer ground to stand on.
- Should we start together, or separately?
- Where both of you are willing, I usually suggest starting together. Seeing the pattern live in the room tells me more in one session than either of you can describe on your own, and it means neither of you spends the early work wondering what the other one said. I will often still meet with each of you individually after that, and I may move between couples and individual sessions where trauma work needs focused space. If one of you is already close to a decision about whether to stay, we would name that at the outset, because it changes what the work is for.
- What if my partner shuts down or will not really engage in sessions?
- This is a pattern I work with often rather than an obstacle to the work. Shutting down is usually protective, not indifferent. Someone who goes quiet, deflects, or turns it back on the other person is often managing a level of shame or overwhelm they have no language for yet. I work with the withdrawal itself rather than trying to push through it, and separately with the partner who has been left doing all the reaching. Both halves need attention for anything to move.
- Will I be outnumbered in the room, as the man?
- No, and it is a fair thing to ask. Men often arrive expecting to be cast as the problem, and that expectation on its own can make someone go quiet before anything has been said. My work with men is a deliberate commitment. What I will do is name a pattern honestly when I see it, and that applies to both of you. Honesty about your part is not the same as being blamed, and being genuinely on your side does not mean agreeing with everything you do.
- Can we do couples therapy if there has been violence or abuse in the relationship?
- Not as a first step. Where there is physical violence, intimidation, or coercive control, couples sessions can leave the person at risk in a worse position, because anything said in the room can be carried home afterwards. In those situations each person needs their own individual support first, with a practitioner experienced in family violence, and I am happy to help you find an appropriate referral. If you are not safe right now, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or call 000 in an emergency.
- How do I prepare for the first session?
- You do not need to prepare anything. If it helps to think ahead, three things are useful to bring: the pattern you keep landing back in, what you suspect your own part in it might be, and what you are genuinely not willing to keep living with. You will not be asked to arrive with answers.
- What can I expect through the therapy process?
While the pace and specifics are always shaped by what you bring, the work generally unfolds in three phases.
- Understanding the pattern. In our first sessions together, we gather a full picture of what's happening (the recurring themes, the challenges you're facing, and what's actually getting in the way) and start aligning on goals we agree on together.
- Naming what's underneath. I'll reflect back the patterns I'm noticing, checked against your own experience, so we reach shared clarity on what we're working toward. Where there are stuck relational wounds or trauma underneath the pattern, this is where I apply my trauma-informed training in Internal Family Systems (IFS) and somatic approaches to process and integrate them. The aim is genuine healing, not just insight.
- Building the skills that last. Once you're able to access what RLT calls your Wise Adult (a steadier, more grounded relationship with yourself), we shift into practical, values-driven relational skills you can apply long-term.
If you're working with me individually, your partner can be included in sessions to help strengthen what we've built together. If you're working with me as a couple, I can also pivot to individual sessions when focused trauma work is needed, before returning to couples work for the relational skill-building.
- Do you work with men specifically?
- Yes. Working with men through a gender-sensitive, trauma-informed lens is something I genuinely hold, and a long-standing interest in men's mental health and help-seeking is what led me to Relational Life Therapy, a framework that considers the psychosocial and systemic forces that create very distinct barriers for men. I'm committed to a grounded, safe space for men, as I am for women. This is where I believe authentic gender equality can be upheld.
- How much does a session cost?
- Individual sessions are $138 for 60 minutes and couples sessions are $210 for 90 minutes.
- How does therapy work, and how many sessions will I need?
- Every person and couple is different, so there's no fixed number I can promise upfront. Some people find real relief and clarity within a handful of sessions; others are working through longer-standing patterns and stay in therapy for months or longer. In our first few sessions together, we'll map out what's actually happening for you (the pattern, not just the symptom), and from there I'll give you an honest sense of what ongoing work might look like, so you're never left guessing about the process.
- Do you offer Medicare rebates?
- No, however my session rate is set to align closely with the typical out-of-pocket cost after a standard Medicare rebate, so the actual cost to you is comparable. And unlike Medicare, which caps subsidised sessions at 10 per calendar year, there's no session limit here, so we're never working against a countdown if you need more time.
- Do you offer online sessions?
- Yes. Secure telehealth sessions are available Australia-wide, alongside in-person sessions in Brunswick, Melbourne.